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It wasn’t a dark and stormy night, in fact it wasn’t
even really night yet still darkness had fully descended on my
day. What a melodramatic statement but in this instance it was the
unabashed truth. My day like those of many people in their forties
began with a fight with one of my teenaged children to please get
out of bed and ready for school. As is the norm in one too many
homes throughout North America that suggestion was met with an
utterance of defiance and a distinct lack of activity toward said
goal. At 6:45 this morning this was a minor crisis. Now a mere
twelve hours and forty-eight minutes later that occurrence barely
registers in my psyche as an event to note.
This morning I
was a wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, friend, and
co-worker. Now, I don’t know if there’s enough remaining of my
soul to register anywhere as anything more than an empty shell. As
I lay here I wonder if there’s really a reality outside of myself
left. I can’t seem to reconnect with the world in which I resided
only hours before for several decades. I have the memories. I had
the stimulus. Everything is absent now. Nothing except this
darkness in its wake. Does anyone hear me screaming?
I’m sure I
should be crying. Popular opinion would dictate that my emotions
should at this very moment be suspended to allow for shock to work
it’s way through my system. Overtime I should move gradually out
of that phase and onto acceptance and then finally into grief
before learning once more to move on. Can the same be said for one
who went from reality to emptiness in less time than it took for
her to blink? I can’t even ask since no one seems to be aware that
I still exist. Someone hear me please. Turn on a light. Make a
sound. Touch me. Pass some gas, for the love of God do something,
anything but don’t just leave me here like this in my own private
hell. I can’t and won’t ask to eat, taste is a wasted sensation
for me right now when nothing else seems to be functioning. This
can’t be it. I won’t let death be it for me. Or do I have a
choice?
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